Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Moving Forwards...

Really, what can we ask in life: Health, Energy, Spontaneity,  Sophistication, Friends, Love, and great Food, right?

Well before all of that we have some assumptions like enough food to eat, shelter, and an expectation of those remaining sufficiently static to have leisure time.  Yet before this there is another layer and that is fundamental as breathing, it is achieving normalcy of gender congruent to ones understanding of their natural being.

For years post high school, I an XXY person, has forged a path through life; Slower, more focused than natal men and women.  It took me 20 years to have a first date, and another 4 to meet someone I cared to try a kiss.  Intercourse took much longer.  I have lived as a boy, girl, woman, man, and of late in between.  Often the path of least resistance, or which ever gender caused the least controversy.  All things in their time, with alot of life in between.  Gender was put on hold so often that it seemed the world of children could pass me by entirely, and it did.

Don't misunderstand, I have done some amazing things in the past few decades, gone places most only dream about or see in movies, intensely trained to the senior level in more than one profession, traveled extensively, etc... I do not feel sorry for my life; Not even remotely.  I lived well, and still do.

No, this issue is about something which has been put on hold so many times that the absolute drift is beginning to exceed the thresh hold of failure, or more specifically the darkness of catatonic depression; A realization there is no way forwards .. unless.. until.. gender is aligned in a single place matching the incongruence and creating a whole being.  There it is... I must change or I will die, literally or figuratively, lost in acute depression or .. or.. (no good pictures there).

Shouldn't be a surprise to anyone, XXY people take life in bits and pieces, we learn more than anyone ever dreamed was possible, and we can apply those skills practically.  Sure eventually I would get here to this minor issue, this gender problem, and it would stop the clock.  A barrier.  Something that would cause panic, frantic thoughts, concern, elevated heartbeats, and ... trepidation, even fear.

Let me put this simply:
Onnineko identifies female, happens to be XXY, has secondary hypogonadism and a thoroughly dysfunctional endocrine system which is missing progesterone and everything beyond, doctors have been expecting my imminent death for over 20 years.... An Onnineko is of mixed genitals, some might call me a hermaphrodite, if you understand none of me works in a positive sexual way.  I want to be just.. female. 

Sounds simple, no?  The point is not just to align in a female gender but be able to move forwards as a woman without restrictions enforced by genital appearance or function.  The plan is to move forwards, which means resolving this crisis before catatonic depression and that other thing (the manic no "fear or sense" side) catches up.  I  cannot do hopelessness, not again, the euphemism for "gun to the head" comes to mind.

Most people trying to transition from MtF or FtM are worried about what their coworkers and social groups think of them.  Frankly I have no idea what my coworkers or social groups think of me, most know that I am intersex, or a butch female, or a feminine gay male, or some weird alien.  I get by at the moment on the fringe of space allocated to males, butch or feminine gay, and I am going to just butch I think.  Which will cause some havoc, maybe... its been at least 10 years since I last used a women's room and that might be an issue switching now.  If I were to complete the process and just be female, it is certain that several of the males would try rape if I used the men's locker room and couldn't demonstrate at least something that appears like a penis (functional or not).  This is a new place, I've only worked there a year and its getting around that I'm intersex.. male interest is perking up as it is.. (sigh..) .  This is the downside of being a contractor, one might be among the top 1% of the experts in the world, but as contract staff you serve at the pleasure of the organization holding the contract, or in this case a military.  This particular military is not known for its kindness, understanding, or willingness to support anything outside the dichotomy.  Sometimes I think especially DSD's or Intersex people.

Lots of negative in this.. I've put it off too long.  Resolving my own gender, and doing it in my own terms by my choice. So here I am, shifting from undefined to female.  What a ride this is going to be... and perhaps moving forwards.

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