Its yet another working Saturday...

Thats really why I feel so chatty. Up 5 hours early this morning to do a database roll over for a corporation, and sitting here waiting for an 80GB file to to finish loading takes awhile. Leaves me time to think, to write, and to ponder what could be; What should be?

Here I am, life is going so-so-ish. I don't have any really pressing medical problems right this instant, however, I would love to lose about 100 lbs. That would put me at about 150 lbs, which for a woman is a normal range. This raises some issues though, if I were 150 lbs, then telling people I am male would be taken as a lie. And no amount of justification or state ID's would be accepted to prove otherwise. There was a time I lived as a woman, because of this. And to be brutally honest, I loved it. Interacting with people was so natural, simple, it was possible to have friends. Even now, today, I vaguely remember what friends are like. You see, I traded friends, years ago for money. Working in the high and mighty corporate world doing amazing work in the IT field, thats me, IT expert. Male. Highly paid. No friends. Oh don't misunderstand, I have a couple of "male friends", we can go years without a single letter or note or visit, or anything that would assuage the sense of loss in me. Is it so wrong to want more than that?

If there was any issue (nevermind the medical picture, thats just ugly).... that strongly affects me it is the complete lack of friends. Women don't want to have anything to do with males, oh more than a very limited level of interaction. There are all kinds of American-Christian culture problems that arise when someone "has coffee" with another man's wife, and happens to be male.

Could I pass as a woman, of course. But the me who is a highly desired IT expert isn't female, changing that now would leave me jobless. I have seen excellent technicians disappear from the circles and the corridors of the nations elite for so much less. And don't get me started on just how horribly hostile this world is to gay or lesbians, however, transsexuals they throw to the wolves. And yet I skate through the middle of it, so far ignored, or just needed. I work in a world built upon masculine trust. Informing those people whom I work for that .. oh by the way, I'm going to be a girl from now on, would be a terminal violation of trust. Have I ever mentioned that masculine trust has got to be the most absurd system to use as a basis for the security of an organization?

Friends... this is about friends. I don't have any. Oh a few pixels on the computer, some tellers of tall and glorious lies. I know of a few intersex people, we chat occasionally. Its not the same thing as a true friend. Perhaps that is why I write my sorrow to the world.

If I could be accepted as a woman, I would be one. But because I cannot be accepted, I must first create a stable place of rest for myself out of whatever means necessary. For someday I will stop and I will be myself, no pretensions of trying to be masculine. No struggle to maintain the big lie, of what I am not.

The sad part is that I don't even qualify as a transsexual male... although I am one. This exile forced upon me at an age to young to appeal. This sadness enforced by society's needs.

Onnineko

Self-Treatment and Secondary Hypogonadism

I was writing a letter to a friend, when for some reason this topic just leapt onto the page.

The worst part of self-treatment is that even with a mountain of medical documents, lab tests, doctor's opinions (signed and certified) all of the conjecture that we mere mortals can apply to the awesome field of medicine pertaining to ourselves is casually dismissed by every single Doctor we have to talk to. And do we get a fair hearing? Never. It takes upwards of 5 hours to go through the documentation and present all of the lab tests, the chronological order, the reasoning, the other doctors' opinions supporting the prognosis, and then yet one more Doctor will calmly admit, "Hey this is a really complex case." Like no shit, really? What usually happens is that the Doctor doesn't have those 5 hours, and it takes months (...years) for Doctor A to talk to Doctor B, C, D, E, F, G, and H in order to ascertain if I can be believed when I say this is a tad complex and I need more than 15 minutes of your time to discuss treatment options for secondary hypo-everything.

Basically, simplisticly, the human body is like a binary feedback system; It functions like a state machine or a computer, if you will. A computer has chips called ALU's which do simplistic mathematical functions like, voltage high + voltage high is 1+1... The body does this too, and one of those sub-components is the Hypothalamus (a tiny organ in the base of the brain, next to the Pituitary Gland. For example, when a individuals Testosterone level is high, the feedback circuit sends a positive signal to the hypothalamus which then stops pushing out pre-hormone signals to the Pituitary Gland for Luteinizing Hormone, a precursor for the production of Testosterone, to stop the Adrenal Glands or the male testes making more Testosterone. Which is all good and wonderful when it works properly.

In pursuit of my personal medical problems, I have had to work through the pathways of mostly non-standard practices to fit together some semblance of a plan. Most of the knowledge we and the Medical Establishment has at this time is sketchy at best. Really we know very little more today, than Doctor's knew 200 years ago about how the functioning of the human body really works. Just because the body has several mechanisms which act sort of like a state machine doesn't mean the results of the whole system are that simple. Mix into this mess, Klinefelter's Syndrome and its a real mess. Or perhaps I should say, add Secondary Hypogonadism to Klinefelter's Syndrome and its far more complex than just "unknown". Thats why they call Klinefelter's Syndrome a syndrome, we do not know what causes it; The same with Hypogonadism, we can only say, "Odd, it doesn't work right."

So thats where I am... a pituitary/hypothalamus gland that produces the same level of pre-cursor hormones all the time. When I physically push hard my levels of some hormones do not rise like a normal person's does, instead I fatigue quickly and take hours or days to recover what takes everyone else seconds or minutes.
(borrowed from: http://www.webmd.com/cancer/tc/ncicdr0000579645-general-information-about-pituitary-tumors, the information is still good, if not perfectly formatted for my issue, I'm sure there are better references)

Hormones made by the pituitary gland include:

• Prolactin: A hormone that causes a woman's breasts to make milk during and after pregnancy.
• Adrenocorticotropic hormone (ACTH): A hormone that causes the adrenal glands to make a hormone called cortisol. Cortisol helps control the use of sugar, protein, and fats in the body and helps the body deal with stress.
• Growth hormone: A hormone that helps control body growth and the use of sugar and fat in the body. Growth hormone is also called somatotropin.
• Thyroid-stimulating hormone: A hormone that causes the thyroid gland to make other hormones that control growth, body temperature, and heart rate. Thyroid-stimulating hormone is also called thyrotropin.
• Luteinizing hormone (LH) and follicle-stimulating hormone (FSH): Hormones that control the menstrual cycle in women and the making of sperm in men.

In the past I have used progesterone to attain some semblance of managed treatment (self-treating still) for the lack of effects of all of these hormone pre-cursors. Even though it is clear that having some, if not all, of these effects occur resulted in a healthier (we're not sure) and happier me. I cannot stress enough, that no where have I found documentation to suggest anyone else has ever tried to treat this problem, and certainly not with Klinefelter's Syndrome also. And I chose to use Estradiol as my sex-hormone of choice, since that aligns with my personal views more correctly than Testosterone does.

About a year ago, I stopped using progesterone to do some tests... and then forgot all about the tests, and the intersex community, and a number of other things. The lack of progesterone had a significant and clear impact on my ability to function intellectually, and still does. I'm trying to work through, it is painful and hard to remember enough to manage this, if I should beware or take progesterone again. I mean, I must have decided to stop progesterone for a good reason. And a few days ago I finally put the whole puzzle together again, no progesterone is an unhappy Onnineko. I had wanted Doctor's to do an ACTH test for the pituitary system for testing for possible complications of CAH, and the Doctor's then refused to do the test. And I forgot about a great deal of what was short term memory. Bastards! This is the best treatment I can buy, and its barely adequate for 2-3x the cost the average corporate American pays for health care. Have I ever mentioned how distasteful it is to work with the Eugenicists in the American Medical establishment? They take our money and then give nothing in return because its against their ethics to treat people who are considered less than perfectly normal. Grrr!

I self-treat, there are no choices it is self-treat or die of neglect.

What to do .. What to do .. The US medical establishment is hopeless and becoming less competent every year. Progesterone would and has in the past had a strong positive impact on my life. And despite the Doom and Gloom cast by the doctors, I'm still here. Quite possibly because I choose to self-treat. They (the Doctor's) have been counting down my end of life for decades, and they're still wrong. I have some questions, such as:

• Would attaining a diagnosis for Secondary Hypogonadism change anything in my ability to continue self-treatment?
• Would attaining a diagnosis for Secondary Hypogonadism change treatment, at all?
• What exactly am I trying to do with treatment? (live 1000 years of course. :)
• Everything I have points to using progesterone is a definite positive.
• So why am I waiting?
  

Another simplistic view is that Secondary Hypogonadism is like CAH, there are similarities because neither the person with CAH, nor the person with Secondary Hypogonadism is getting enough cortisol. At first I thought my case might have something to do with this, and I eventually found a Doctor willing to test and eliminate this possibility, not that I could get the Doctor to help in any other way! He was willing to listen though, and willing to do a few basic tests to rule out this quite obvious question. I, just like someone with CAH, do not get enough cortisol, however taking progesterone does appear to help correct this issue. We cannot say what the long term effects are though.

I'm still mostly an overweight 5'10" androgyne at 250lbs an apple of desire :)... losing weight would be nice, I'll guess my average weight is probably around 140-155 lbs. This isn't a good snapshot of who I am though. I work out, can do 30 pushups, more situps, and practice martial arts. I walk, running hasn't worked too well, but I can walk for hours and go miles. I live on a limited diet, and really wouldn't know what to do with 2000 calories its hard to eat so much. My weight is an extension of a medical condition, not my lifestyle.

XXY: Medical Establishment is playing God again...

Excerpt from:
http://www.hawaii.edu/PCSS/biblio/articles/2000to2004/2004-ais-and-klinefelters.html

Title: Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome and Klinefelter's Syndrome

Authors: Milton Diamond, PhD and Linda Ann Watson, MEd

Gender expression

Infrequently discussed in medical descriptions of KS are individuals’ concerns with gender expressions and feelings. An unknown percentage of persons who have KS experience androgynous or feminine feelings that can develop at an early age [50]. Some people who have KS consider themselves to be transgendered [50], others considered themselves to be intersexed [69], and others considered themselves to be transsexual.

One of the most noted persons who transitioned gender is Carolyn Cossey, a “James Bond girl.” She was raised as a boy, but changed to live as a girl at a young age, and became a famous model; her karyotype was found to be XXXY [70].

Wyler et al [71] found that two of nine candidates that they recommended for transsexual surgery and female hormones had KS. A host of investigators similarly reported cases of men who had KS who transitioned to live as women or who harbored aspects of gender dysphoria [72-74]. Walzer and Hurwitz [75] concluded that all of the KS patients that they saw viewed their personalities as dual male and female and wrote: “Investigators periodically report they can find no increase in sexual deviancy in patients with a chromosomal abnormality. Only too often the methods used to ascertain the presence of such a deviation. . .are not conducive to discovering it.” We know of two relevant cases; one is a mathematics professor who underwent sex reassignment surgery to live as a woman and a previous medical student who is presently in the process of transition. The frequency of gender change in KS is unknown.

Several papers have commented that homosexuality among those who had KS was not found among their subjects [46] or that the prevalence was not any different from that seen in the general population [42].

_______________________________________________________________

Why do Doctors think they have the only right to choose for the rest of us?

When talking about the number of Klinefelter's Syndrome (KS or XXY) people who choose to transition and live as females, medical science doesn't know how many of us have thoroughly rejected treatment with testosterone. I would like to point out as Dr. Diamond noted above, "We know of two relevant cases; one is a mathematics professor who underwent sex reassignment surgery to live as a woman and a previous medical student who is presently in the process of transition. The frequency of gender change in KS is unknown."

Despite numerous instances of individuals whom are transsexual whom have transitioned so well that it is improbable that anyone can tell them apart from a natural born female; Despite people like myself whom have told doctors over and over, NO! I will not use Testosterone, now or ever. The medical establishment still turns a blind eye to what should be obvious, these are Doctor's they're neither stupid nor dense. Overworked perhaps. But if its obvious to us, why can't they see this?

Transsexuals are known to be possibly as many as 1 in 2000 people, and the incidence of Klinefelter's Syndrome which is any chromosomal mixtures of many X's and Y's, is 1 in 1000 people. Why can we not test transsexuals for intersex conditions, and perhaps show that half, or more than half of all Klinefelter's Syndrome "males" happen to have transitioned (many despite being assigned male and then tampered with to make sure they'd be male) to Female.

I choose Androgyny. Its my choice to make, and no one else. Others have chosen Female, and some, credibly some are still male. I would like to know what percentage of the KS population (The Whole Population Transsexuals included) are Male, Female, and Androgyny.

The omission of this fact, all the while insisting that People like me, XXY people, Klinefelter's Syndrome people, whom the Medical Establishment will immediately admit they really don't have a firm grasp on the medical pathology of the Klinefelter's Syndrome, REFUSE to admit that we are anything but male. And yet the number of XXY people who have chosen female, or Androgyny, or whom were born FEMALE (its rare for them to test females at all, but this is documented), or whom are and have chosen male is Unknown.

Let me say that again... the medical establishment admits they don't understand Klinefelter's Syndrome. But they are absolutely certain that we have to be male, even though many have chosen not to be.

By obscuring the facts the Doctor's are playing at being Gods.

I was born Androgynous...I have lived as well as I can, as God made me.

Onnineko

XXY: Personal Experience Using Estradiol HRT

It has been several years since I started self treatment with Estradiol hormone replacement. At the beginning I started with very little, and over the years as my body adjusted to the changes I have slowly raised the amount I take from .025mg topical daily to now .2 mg topical daily. This works out to for an average sized ordinary person of about 40 pg/ml (scale of 0-400 pg/ml for an ordinary woman) per .1 mg topical application. My pretested before starting estradiol was about 100 pg/ml on the same scale. So now, I'm replacing about 80 pg/ml, and have a much lower level of testosterone about 1% of scale. What this all means is that I have replaced my body's natural production of estradiol and lowered the amount of (generally toxic) testosterone produced. My testosterone level started at 4% of scale (about 0-1200 ng/dl), it is now about 1%.

When I started this process, I was told a great many stories about what would happen to me. For example:
a. You will become a girl.
b. You will develop breasts (no kidding, really?.. I already had breasts).
c. You will lose your capability of acting rationally (a doctor actually said that.... he was male).
d. You will no longer have to deal with rampant acne. (TRUE!)
e. You might retain more bone, and thus no longer be on the watch list for osteoporosis...

Actually they didn't say E, I chose to take Estradiol for two reasons, D because I wanted the acne to end, and E, because being 35 and being concerned about osteoporosis seemed stupid if taking Estradiol would fix it. Well it did... I'm no longer in the danger range for osteoporosis or osteopenia. Indeed, I made such an Amazing Remarkable recovery you'd think the medical community would call it a miracle. Actually the results were swept under the rug. Oh well, not my problem, my rescue. :)

So here we are years later...
a. I am not a girl, I am Intersex though, I was born this way, I have not significantly changed because of Estradiol.
b. My breasts are still my breasts... no significant changes there. :)
c. Rational thought.. hmm.. what was he trying to say, I wonder?
d. Acne, is gone, as suspected although resisted by EVERY single doctor the cause was excessive levels of testosterone. Which I might add my body cannot use in more than tiny quantities, like every other male can and does. Its not odd, I have a more female orientated physical system. It is only unusual that a male doctor cannot imagine someone allegedly "male" not being all Male.
e. Within 6 months of starting Estradiol and progesterone (I've since stopped the progesterone, tests ongoing), my bone density increased more than 3 medians. This should suggest that I was lacking something either estradiol or progesterone provided. You would think so...

Hi .. :) I'm Onnineko, the "guy" who works for fortune 500 type companies, who fits in more or less. For one thing, I look like a 24 year old kid though I happen to be almost 40, just like any other female I don't look my age. Learning to sing did wonders for my confidence of speaking too, which helped a great deal with my work.

The only downside that I have noticed is that when the patches, I use Vivelle Dot .1 mg patches, start to wear off the effects are immediately noticeable: my memory starts to fade, as the level of estradiol drops lower I feel strong sense of paranoia, the sense of something being wrong becomes acute, the sexual disconnection felt with gender identity dysphoria becomes more clear. In all feeling ones personal connections to stability, intellectualism, and general feeling of well-being slip away is truly terrifying, that is when it can be remembered. It is entirely possible to notice the change and forget, and then feel the paranoia lightly and then forget, and then it gets steadily worse until eventually memory kicks in and prompts changing those forgotten patches. Darn is it hard to live life on a 3 day leash. But its worth it.

Every minute lived without the devastating effects of too much testosterone, with enough estradiol, makes the world stable, removes the pain, engages memory, and enables me to live a normal fair life. To be able to engage in feelings like happiness and even sadness at all, like an ordinary person does is a wonder to me, even now years later.

I think back what it was like living a life that had no meaning, was wrong in every physical sense, and one which was only a step ahead of suicide every minute that I lived. Nothing at all could convince me I should stop taking estradiol at this point, going back to that is death. As the level of hormone falls, so too would feelings, memory, and every other function but basic survival and raw tortured intellect. I wonder if that what serial killers feel, the emptiness, the rawness, the lack of feelings or regret.

I wonder... if environmental hormone suppression is part of the cause we have behind people who cannot cope with living in a normal sense. But that matters not to me.

XXY: A small but vocal issue...

I am left today with a fear of the unknown. For more than three years now I have participated in singing studies, and my vocal range has significantly improved throughout that time. Indeed my range continues to improve, breaks are worked through, and my natural normal speaking range has changed, yet again. I have finally after all this time been told by one vocal instructor that my tone and clarity is much improved, almost acceptable or even, normal. This voice instructor went on to say that if I continue these lessons, then I can expect my normal speaking voice to change yet again...

Yet again.

So I asked myself, what if my normal speaking voice were even higher than it is now? I would be firmly in the higher range for normal women, is this a good change? So I resolved to test the current range and loaded a vocal analyzer and recorded several sets, at various normal pitch levels and lengths including generally happy, long and boring text, a bit down, etc.. Sure enough I'm ranging in pitch from 180 to 280 hz. The spectrograph shows a bit more than the average overtones that an ordinary woman would use; I have perhaps half of the harmonics a normal male would have. In this matter, science is not helping! All this singing is enabling me to use and adjust to what males would call the falsetto voice, or head voice. When I use falsetto the excessive overtones are much reduced from my full voice, ie.. closer to a natural female. And to make matters worse.. (better?) I took several sessions with another voice teacher whom started using the term counter-tenor, almost immediately. One test this instructor likes was the natural sigh, and tricky person he is, including it in the lesson without telling me about it first; But the result, middle C, was not what I expected. Middle C is the normal speaking pitch of women, and an half an octave to an octave high for 40 year old men.

All knowledge is good, the more you know, the more you understand, the more you can make personal choices about. Only in ignorance can others make choices for you. But what do I choose about the voice? If I want to present as male, then there are a number of challenges to overcome, and not the least is the appropriate speaking pitch. Males only exceedingly rarely use a pitch higher than 150 hz, and then generally only for terror, fear, or capitulation. If I were to use such a pitch, say 200 hz, then that is already one failure in presenting male.

On the positive side of this issue I no longer have serious throat pain from attempting to speak too low for too long. It is still hard to speak low, and has become more difficult to do so without being deliberate in the doing. It is disconcerting to sit down to a vocal analyzer and comfortably, naturally, speak at what is a middle voice for a woman. Another positive (?) is that as I become more competent at singing I can better hold my part, instead of following whom ever seems to know their part well. This is good, and bad. Good because I no longer automatically (well not often anyway) pitch match with other people, especially males because they still talk too low and I can end up speaking from the throat if I am not prepared. Bad because my natural vocal range appears to be +/-3 notes of middle C. I still pitch match with women who use higher pitches, because I am not as comfortable with that singing range, B below middle C to the G above.

Supposedly according to both vocal instructors that as I work out a normal high tenor full voice, this will give me an alternative to the falsetto that I find most comfortable (and not by choice!). Remember I am trying to live and work as a male, this makes doing that very awkward.

Life is...

What do to when depression cannot be avoided...

For the first 30 and some years of life, starting about the age of 12, and until 36 I felt a great deep depression. Now I'm not talking about something you can take a couple of pills and sleep on. Rather depression built upon pain. Lets see if I can pain a picture so bleak, your very world turns grey, dismal, and promises nothing more than the pain that is, the pain that will be, and the pain of merely drawing a breath. Most people will tell you they have once or twice in their lifetime had a morning so horrible that the very thought of getting up seemed too much effort to attempt, can you imagine every morning being like that... Some people know what exhaustion is, that deep binding crease through your body that drags you down constantly, muddies your thoughts, and makes a single set of stairs seem like a hurclean effort to climb. But very few people experience this effect for more than a short period of time, what would your life be like if tomorrow morning and every day thereafter you could look forwards to getting up in the morning exhausted as the last time you overdid work and was so tired that you only wanted to sleep. What would life be like... depression is physically, mentally, and emotionally taxing.

And then there is the pain... Most people have at one time or other in their life sprained a muscle, and they know that walking on a sprained foot is painful. Picking up a pen with a sprained hand is painful. Some people have broken limbs and they know the pain isn't in the break, its later, after the fact. The pain comes from trying to use that arm or leg, to push or to pull even lightly. Anyone who has thrown out their back and tried to stand up knows what pain is, it is crippling. I have seen grown men dislocate a shoulder and whimper like a child. No kidding, dislocations of any type hurt. Lets suppose just for a moment that tomorrow, the moment you were going to get up you could look forwards to the pain of dislocating or pulling a muscle in your back, every single morning, forever. In the next moment as you go to swing your legs out of bed, several other muscles were going to complain and twinge in pain. And it wasn't going to stop. Old people know the body creaks, but once you start moving the pain can be come tolerable. Motion reduces the effects of pain from joints not moving. Lets say that moving around does not reduce the amount of pain. How would you view your life then, I wonder... dim, slow, pain, grey, and dismal.

Now everyone has a choice they can accept life on its terms or they can check out (commit suicide). Sounds pretty harsh doesn't it. For my first 3 decades life hurt, it was grey, it was dismal, and I bore daily an amount of pain that would kill most people. In order to survive, you have to accept that pain is your life. And I don't say that casually, I don't think most people understand that when you have to juggle or control your own centers of pain that it might make a certain amount of sense to overload one side than the other. Neither are we talking about someone that cuts them selves to feel anything at all. No this isn't dementia, the individual need not be crazy. Rather the person can use the fact that the mind can only concentrate on one thing at a time. Sometimes it is necessary to redirect pain. I know how to do that... unfortunately...

So the basics of managing pain, depression, and overcoming insurmountable odds of accomplishment in our world. Step 1, you need a plan of action. I had a method that would result in things happening, but it required three parts to work.

A. You must train yourself to understand that when it is time to move, you HAVE to MOVE. Period. I don't care if you're lying on the ground in more pain than the world should have visited on anyone, you have to MOVE. You CANNOT NOT MOVE. Period. No exceptions, ever. I don't care if you've just been shot and are dying in the street, if your alarm clock goes off, you MOVE.

B. Keep lists of things you MUST do. When it is time to MOVE, you MUST do whatever is on the list. I don't care how much pain or exhaustion there is. The human body can operate on no sleep and in deep pain, the only limitation is you.

C. Never make a decision about anything important in less than 8 hours. Once your decision is made, DO NOT EVER second guess your choice.

This method kept me moving in a grey fog of pain and shock for 3 decades. I'm only glad I don't need it anymore.

Using this method, I have finished a college degree, completed a black belt in a martial arts, and worked as a professional in the IT world and achieved success. I have owned businesses and property. But I did not have anything resembling happiness, this was earned through determination. Life is, learn to live with it...


**
an aside, I no longer use this method, the pain of my first three decades has become managable. I no longer experience depression as a constant companion. Most of the pain of life has become managable. But this article is to talk to my years from 12 to 35.. :) there is hope. Although, I had to find my own answers the medical profession remained vocal and completely wrong.

...psychiatrist, priest, rabbi, and a psychologist

He wanted to know if there was a good enough reason to see a psychiatrist, psychologist, rabbi or a priest. How he figured I'd be a good person to ask, I don't know. You don't carry physical marks of your time talking to a confessor. Yes, I have talked with one or two or more over the course of my life. And I am much the better for those opportunities to understand better human nature. How people think of us, matters less than most of us would assume, because we know exactly what we think of ourselves.

The difference between types of confessors is really simple, the priest or rabbi will cast their aid in a form of religion. Should someone go see one? If the phrase, "Remember the time you did a bad thing, and someone suffered because of it?" causes you a sudden feeling of remorse; Then yes, you should go see a confessor and get that bad thing off your mind. Those little bad things weigh you down, and eventually pull you into a depression generated abyss.

The first time I visited a psychiatrist it was over my personal embarrassment. I was so certain based on everything I had read, that if I could not identify as male living in a strongly masculine male world then I had to be a transsexual. I have since learned a great deal more about this, but at the time this concept was really ripping me up inside. Now at the same time, I am strongly homophobic (that too, is not the right word). However, the very thought of being touched by a male makes my skin crawl, its worse than fingernails on a chalkboard. Which led me to believe I should be a normal male... except that didn't work either.

I hope you can understand this was a very serious mentally challenging problem, not to mention highly embarrassing should my co-workers in the pro-military industrial complex ever find out.

It took me a year of talking to a psychiatrist, before I began to believe that there were good reasons to continue living. To even dream of finding joy and happiness. My world then was a dim dark grey place that wasn't too bad, didn't hurt too much, most of the time. To put it mildly my physical challenges and surroundings had left me a mental train wreck. Fortunately this was all long ago and through many talks with someone who had different insight I got alot better. :)

Today I am better balanced, my own failures pale next to the pressure I felt society was demanding of me, and those I now know are not all consuming. Psychiatrists help us to learn how to think around sticking points in the societal fabric. As do all other confessors. We can learn to be better people, we can learn to think better of ourselves, we can learn... if we but choose to do so.