Its yet another working Saturday...

Thats really why I feel so chatty. Up 5 hours early this morning to do a database roll over for a corporation, and sitting here waiting for an 80GB file to to finish loading takes awhile. Leaves me time to think, to write, and to ponder what could be; What should be?

Here I am, life is going so-so-ish. I don't have any really pressing medical problems right this instant, however, I would love to lose about 100 lbs. That would put me at about 150 lbs, which for a woman is a normal range. This raises some issues though, if I were 150 lbs, then telling people I am male would be taken as a lie. And no amount of justification or state ID's would be accepted to prove otherwise. There was a time I lived as a woman, because of this. And to be brutally honest, I loved it. Interacting with people was so natural, simple, it was possible to have friends. Even now, today, I vaguely remember what friends are like. You see, I traded friends, years ago for money. Working in the high and mighty corporate world doing amazing work in the IT field, thats me, IT expert. Male. Highly paid. No friends. Oh don't misunderstand, I have a couple of "male friends", we can go years without a single letter or note or visit, or anything that would assuage the sense of loss in me. Is it so wrong to want more than that?

If there was any issue (nevermind the medical picture, thats just ugly).... that strongly affects me it is the complete lack of friends. Women don't want to have anything to do with males, oh more than a very limited level of interaction. There are all kinds of American-Christian culture problems that arise when someone "has coffee" with another man's wife, and happens to be male.

Could I pass as a woman, of course. But the me who is a highly desired IT expert isn't female, changing that now would leave me jobless. I have seen excellent technicians disappear from the circles and the corridors of the nations elite for so much less. And don't get me started on just how horribly hostile this world is to gay or lesbians, however, transsexuals they throw to the wolves. And yet I skate through the middle of it, so far ignored, or just needed. I work in a world built upon masculine trust. Informing those people whom I work for that .. oh by the way, I'm going to be a girl from now on, would be a terminal violation of trust. Have I ever mentioned that masculine trust has got to be the most absurd system to use as a basis for the security of an organization?

Friends... this is about friends. I don't have any. Oh a few pixels on the computer, some tellers of tall and glorious lies. I know of a few intersex people, we chat occasionally. Its not the same thing as a true friend. Perhaps that is why I write my sorrow to the world.

If I could be accepted as a woman, I would be one. But because I cannot be accepted, I must first create a stable place of rest for myself out of whatever means necessary. For someday I will stop and I will be myself, no pretensions of trying to be masculine. No struggle to maintain the big lie, of what I am not.

The sad part is that I don't even qualify as a transsexual male... although I am one. This exile forced upon me at an age to young to appeal. This sadness enforced by society's needs.

Onnineko